THE TRUE ALTERNATIVE TO FEAR

I am getting to that age when one is tempted to look back more than to look forward, to get lost in our memories more than to endeavor to create new memories. In short, it is easier to just float downstream carried along by the current of habits and predispositions rather than forge ahead and find undiscovered lands and challenge sedentary tendencies. I feel like Ulysses hearing the siren calls to cease the quest and find comfort and rest. But like Ulysses, I know that there is a greater mission within me and my journey is not yet accomplished.

But as I reflect back upon my life I now realize I have always had a tendency to “shelter in place” from the threat of change making it difficult to move forward. My impediment to growth has not been any external obstacle or internal deficiency but simply I have allowed fear to limit my progress. The product of fear is stagnation leading to death and it has usually taken experiencing a trauma or disaster in my life to give me the impetus to move forward.

I don’t believe I am alone in this predisposition. There is an axiom in the counseling world that goes like this: “We don’t change unless the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.” I see it all the time in my practice.

  • A man has lost the job that he hated and is now forced to consider another profession more suitable to his abilities

  • A couple’s relationship is falling apart and now must seek counseling to find new, healthier ways of relating to each other

  • A woman has lived with debilitating depression and only when her world is falling apart is now willing to look at her beliefs about herself to escape the pain

This is fear-based motivation and it is grounded in escaping or avoiding pain and we use it all the time.

  • I go on a diet because I don’t want to be fat

  • I exercise because I am humiliated by the way I look in a bathing suit

  • I work hard at my job because I’m afraid of being fired

  • I go back to school because I’m afraid of not finding a good job and ending up homeless

Does fear-based motivation work? Yes, of course, it works but the problem with fear-based motivation is that it is not sustainable and it doesn’t go away. When we reach a place of stasis in our life and we no longer have a reason to fear we also don’t have a reason to grow. If fear is our primary motivation then we will need to make up a reason to fear (irrational fear) or we will lose motivation for growth and enter into stagnation. What is even more important, fear is toxic to the body and spirit. Living in a continual state of fear will produce stress and stress is one of the leading causes of physical and psychological ailments.

I want to propose another, healthier and more positive motivation for change. This motivation can be summed up in one word.

Love

  • Love Heals

  • Love connects

  • Love inspires

  • Love’s motivation is applicable in all situations

  • Love is unending, unceasing and unconquerable

We live in a world where there is so much spoken about love but very little on its practical application. What we need is to somehow learn to apply love to the nitty-gritty of life. In many of us, fear is our default and even the thought of making love our primary motivation in our life is inconceivable. So here are some practical ways to transform fear-motivation to love-motivation.

Focus on those you love

When faced with a task or a job that is something that you would rather not do think past it to something that is an object of your love. A perfect example of this might be of times when we experience a difficult work environment. We all encounter times when we’re slogging through an arduous schedule or are involved in tasks that we have no desire to do. At times like these stop and ask this question, “can I dedicate this job to someone or something I love?” If you are working to provide for your family then think of them and consider your work as a way of providing them with food, shelter, and a future. Many a man and woman leave their home early in the morning and return late at night for the love of their family. I believe there is no more noble motivation than sacrificing for those we love.

Find something you love within the difficult work

Every job, no matter how it perfectly fits our personality, has elements that we find tedious. If we focus on these negative elements, we diminish our passion for the work and reduce our overall career enjoyment. So take a few moments and fill your heart with what you are passionate about and stop obsessing on those few things that you don’t enjoy. When you do you will find that the difficult parts of your job will cease to be so discouraging.

Focus on being grateful

Gratitude is a close relative of love and when it is regularity expressed it increases our capacity to experience joy and reduce anxiety.

What are you afraid of? What gnaws at your heart and keeps you up at night? Instead of allowing those fearsome future scenarios to dominate your thinking try to finding something

When faced with fear, chose the loving alternative.

When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.
— Winston Churchill

Here are some loving alternatives to fear:

  • Choose to believe in your resilience and ingenuity

  • Choose to trust in an all-powerful and loving God

  • Choose to develop and execute a strategy

  • Choose to not catastrophize – reflect on times when you persevered through similar or even worse situations

  • Choose to reach out to loving family and friends for help

  • Choose to get up and do something creative, productive, kind and compassionate for someone who needs to be loved. Because love flourishes in us when we choose to give it to others.

What do you love? Make that the cornerstone of all you do, say and think. Tie this passion to your work and you will find extraordinary energy in your career. Tie it to your relationships and they will grow deeper and more satisfying. Refuse to do anything that is not somehow intrinsically tied to love and you will never run out of motivation for living.

If this seems impossible then challenge your internal programming, because someone, somewhere fed you a lie that life was not meant to be lived in love. It can be done, I know because I get up every morning with the desperate need to renew my commitment to love and every morning love is renewed.

If you want to discuss this or have any questions or concerns where we can help you don’t hesitate to reach out to us. Because our love-inspired motivation is to see true transformation happen in your life.

How to Survive Failure

Let Failure be Your Stepping Stone to Success

   

failure three.jpg

Boxers know that the outcome of a fight is determined before the actual fight. Your chances of winning are based on how much training you put in versus your competition. What's more, it's based on your mental attitude. If you're scared of your opponent or if you're too 'in your own head' then you will be more likely to lose. You'll be more likely to fail.

The same goes for pretty much everything in life. Your chances of victory or failure are based on the way you prepare for the event and the outcome then just 'plays itself out'.

And that's why planning can help you to survive every situation.

How to be Ready for Failure

The problem is, that too many of us plan only for victory. We make plans based on the assumption that everything will go well and that we will have good fortune. This is a result of a generally positive attitude but it's unfortunately not always the smartest move.

What's smarter than is to make sure you're also prepared for the various contingencies. What will you do if you lose your job? How will you cope if your partner leaves you? What will you do if the project you've been working on falls through?

This is an attitude that is always taken by businesses because they know it's smart to plan for failure. They will have plans of action based on new releases going well but also just as many that are based on them going badly. Likewise, they will have plans for things go 'just okay'.

By being ready for every possible outcome and contingency you will always be ready to deal with situations as they arise and nothing will catch you unawares and unprepared.

Making Plans

When making your plans, it can often be a good idea to think of them as a flow chart. Rather than a to-do list, a flow chart works better because it takes into account the fact that situations can change and are uncertain. Your plans should take the form of an 'IF' and 'THEN' approach.

To do this, you need to apply a little imagination in thinking of the things that could go wrong. You need to make contingencies not only for likely outcomes but also those that are perhaps less likely. As such, it can also help to look back at past failures and to assess them honestly.

By doing this you will have a plan for dealing with every possible scenario. You'll survive any failure and you'll be confident no matter what happens.  So we encourage you to internalize the idea that failure is not the end but may simply be your beginning.  Here are a few examples of where failure wasn't the final chapter.

 

failure two.jpg
  • Steven Spielberg. His cinematic output has grossed more than $9 billion and brought him three Academy Awards, but the master of the blockbuster failed to be accepted twice when applying to the University of Southern California's School of Cinematic Arts.
  • Oprah. She’s a billionaire with her own TV channel and a penchant for giving away cars but Oprah Winfrey was fired from her first TV job as an anchor in Baltimore.
  • Walt Disney. Can you imagine your childhood without Disney? Well it could easily have been if Walt had listened to his former newspaper editor. The editor told Walt he ‘lacked imagination and had no good ideas’. Undeterred, Old Walt went on to create the cultural icon that bears his name.
  • Albert Einstein. His name is synonymous with intelligence yet it wasn’t always that way for Albert Einstein. As a child he didn’t start speaking until he was four, reading until he was seven, and was thought to be mentally handicapped. He went on to win a Nobel Prize and altered the world’s approach to physics. I guess he was just thinking of the right thing to say for those first four years.
  • R.K. Rowling. Before there was a wizard, there was welfare. Rowling was a broke, depressed, divorced single mother simultaneously writing a novel while studying. Now one of the richest women in the world, Rowling reflects on her early failures:

 And the list goes on and on -  from Michael Jordan, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison, Vincent Van Gogh, and so on.  

 Moral of the story :  Don't let failure be the reason you fail,  but ratherthe beginning of your success.  

 

We would love to hear your failure to success stories.  You can email your story to Connect@totalwellnesscenter.com or we can be reached at (310) 461-4107.  Don't forget to sign up below for our weekly Newsletter packed full of inspiration.

Total Wellness Team

Passionate about transforming lives.  


 

   

Find Your WHY and You Will Discover Your Purpose

Your Feet Are Not Glued to Your Current Path

Find Your Reason For Change

 

If you are like so many people, you've set out on a course in life only to discover down the road that you're not passionate about what you are doing. You're working, maybe you even have a "good" job, and from the outside looking in, it appears that you've got it made.

But you know within yourself that something's wrong. You're not happy. Going to work every day feels like a punishment. You can't wait to get off for the day, and you just dread the thought of going back the next day.

 STOP - It is time to identify what is creating your "self-defeating" paralysis. 

 There's a myth that the course you set out on in life is your forever path. People change. What you thought was going to be a sure thing back when you were younger can be different today because you're different. You’ve grown and matured.  Maybe you see things that you don’t like about your career, or maybe you don’t like the path you are on as a whole.  Don't be the one of many who ends up trudging to work every day stuck in the life that you can't stand. 

What you do with your life should reflect what you love - within your passion lies your purpose
— Unknown

Just know that if you have been unhappy in your job for a period of time the unhappiness will bleed into every corner of your being: mental health, physical health, financial, and all relationships.  

GREAT NEWS: 

YOU CAN MAKE CHANGES AT ANY STAGE OF YOUR LIFE AND FIND PERSONAL SATISFACTION AND HAPPINESS

It just takes the willingness to step out of your comfort zone and discover your WHY.

mark twain.jpg

  

What is your "WHY"?  It is your passion, your dream,  your reason behind your actions. 

If you don’t have a strong REASON behind your actions, your actions are less likely to create worthwhile results.

BUT ... If you have a strong “WHY” you have all the FUEL you need to drive you forward – to find your freedom, to live your dream, and to fulfill your purpose

You see if you don’t know what your why is, if you don’t know what DRIVES you, what INSPIRES you, then you have NO REASON to improve your life as you know it.  Seriously, why would you try to improve your life if you have no REASON for change?  So ask yourself these hard questions, 

  • Why do I exist?
  • Why am I unique from everyone else?
  • Why do I wake up and get out of bed each morning? 

Is your WHY your family? Is it to prove the doubters wrong? Is it to change your corner of the world? Or is it to fulfill what you have been called to do by a higher power?  Regardless of what your WHY is - it is critical to find it and claim it.  

So, What is your Why?

Write it down and carry it with you everywhere, FEEL IT DEEPLY, and promise yourself everyday you WILL live out your WHY with NO EXCUSES!

 Once you know your why - It is time for action.  Take the next crucial step to understanding the "WHAT"  

  • What legacy do I want to leave behind?
  • What does my current support system look like? If you are being weighed down by negative, toxic nay-sayers, it is time to kick them to the curb.  
  • What is my life mission statement?
  • What actions do I need to take in order to accomplish my mission?
  • What time frame will I need  to accomplish each task?
  • What measurable will I use to monitor my progress? 
  • What motivation strategy will I use?

 And finally - 

  •  What will I do with all my new found freedom and happiness?  

It is hard to make changes.  In fact,  it can be down right overwhelming,  but when you discover and live out your "WHY" the benefit outweighs the risk every time.  If you are feeling stuck I would love to help you move forward.   You deserve it! 

Sign up below for your 1-hour FREE  Discovery Session

value $250.00. 

Limited slots available so sign up Today.  

 

Cheri.jpg

Cheri Tillman

 

 

Executive Director Co-founder MBA, CLC, CWNC