Who You "Thnk" You Are Matters

In Fact, It Matters A Lot

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“What were you thinking!” shouts the angry parent as their child stands before them crestfallen. They had just discovered their child doing something foolish and now comes the third-degree interrogation.

“You weren’t thinking, right? Because if you were you wouldn’t have done something so stupid”

And so punishment is handed out and the child is sent to their room to “think” about what they did. And so there they sit trying to figure out what they were “thinking” but drawing a blank because they’re a kid and by definition, they often don’t think before they act.

Which begs the question; does thought proceed action? Are there some actions where thinking is not a prerequisite? It sure feels that way when we make a mistake or succumb to a “knee-jerk” reaction.

But it is a proven medical fact that thought proceeds all actions, even if these thoughts are unconscious.

For example, a solder on leave from the battlefield is walking down the street, he hears a car backfire and dives to the ground. Is he conscious of his thought at the time? No, he is reacting and his reactions are a logical consequence of the unconscious belief that he is in danger. Even though he is not aware of the thought it is still there. If you asked him he would say he did not choose to fall on his face in the middle of the sidewalk, still the thought of danger proceeded the action. Over time as he is exposed to the sounds of the city he will become more aware that no real danger exists and have a greater ability to choose so when he hears a similar sound he can ignore it.

Therefore our thoughts control our actions. Some thoughts promote health and cause us to act in a way that produces such emotions love, joy, and peace, and some thoughts produce anxiety, fear, and anger. Some thoughts propel us toward success and some are toxic and lead us toward failure and frustration. The challenge is these toxic thoughts often feel like they are a part of us – they become our dysfunctional normal. We are blind to them as they become the “operating system” that controls our everyday lives. Therefore it is critical that we make them visible so we can replace them with what will ultimately produce a more productive and happy life.

How do we know if our unconscious thoughts about ourselves are toxic? There are two ways:

  1. We experience toxic emotions – anxiety, phobia, depression, unreasonable fear and uncontrolled anger are examples of toxic emotions that are the result of toxic thoughts

  2. We experience repeated unwanted experiences – you have heard the old saying “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. When we continually experience failure in certain areas of our life it is a good indication that we have a toxic belief that is sabotaging our success.

A client once described to me a long series of failed relationships that she had experienced. At the end of her story of heartache and brokenness, I asked her this questions: “What do all those men in your life have in common?” She thought for a while and named a few of their worse attributes but then stopped and grew quiet. Finally, she said, “me”.

“Yes, that’s right” I responded, “so if you ever want to make a difference in your relationships you will need to make a difference in how you see yourself and how you understand healthy relationships”

Our actions and our emotions will lead us to our core beliefs as surely as a drug-sniffing dog leads its handler to a stash of illegal drugs. Follow the trail of toxic emotions and shattered dreams and they will lead to the doorstep of a toxic belief about ourselves and the world. The more you understand your core beliefs about yourself the more control you will have in the way you act. Your actions follow our thinking just as day follows night. And this is how we acquire our identity.

Our Identity is the sum total of our beliefs about ourselves that are confirmed and reinforced by our experience.

When believe something is true about ourselves, we act on that belief and that action then confirms and reinforces that belief. This becomes a powerful “feedback loop” that us gives us our identity.

 Identity Feedback Loop

Identity Feedback Loop

So the question is what do you believe about yourself? Because that belief will ultimately determine your destiny.

Recently I met with a client who was struggling with what he called an addictive personality. He said he was susceptible to being addicted to pretty much everything, alcohol, drugs, extreme sports, gambling, he even said that he could be addicted to jeeps. So I went to the whiteboard and drew this illustration.

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I pointed to the middle circle and asked, who are you? He couldn’t answer that. So I explained that nature (and our psyche) abhors a vacuum. If we are unsure about our identity then we will fill it with whatever distracts us from the pain of living with that vacuum. The outer circles represent all the areas of our life and these too will be defined by the inner circle. So if we have labeled our self an addict then these other areas will be contorted to reflect that definition. The inner circle thinking will be expressed through the outer circles.

If you want to change your experience of life you must change the way you think about yourself.

So what beliefs should fill that inner circle? What is ultimately true of me? This depends on where you find your authority. If what you believe about yourself is solely a product of your own invention then you can pretty much make up any “truth” and put it in that inner circle. The problem with this method is we have no real assurance that what we are saying about ourselves is true and functional. In essence, we are making it up as we go along with no confidence that it will ultimately lead to a meaningful life. Another challenge is that many of us have been “programmed” with beliefs about ourselves that are decidedly dysfunctional and cause us a lot of pain. Separating ourselves from these toxic beliefs is very hard and made even more difficult if we don’t have an objective reference point to work from.

It is like the man said at the end of his life; “I have spent my whole life climbing the ladder of success only to find out it was leaning on the wrong building”.

An authoritative reference point is essential for developing an identity that will produce the best possible life. But what reference point should we choose? There are many religions and philosophies vying to become the prophet of truth to our generation but I propose that there is really only two at the present time that has risen to the top and is presently locked in mortal combat. This is the Judaeo Christian World View and the Humanistic/Autonomous World View. The latter worldview is grounded in Darwin’s theory and taught in our public schools and universities while the former worldview is the foundation for our nation and western culture. Let me briefly compare and contrast the two.

The Humanistic model is derived from Darwin’s theory and assigns value to an individual in proportion to their ability to adapt to their environment and successfully propagate. (Survival of the fittest) Success is measured by the ability to pass our DNA to another generation and therefore overcome rivals. If we lose this ability to adapt or help others adapt we decrease in value. There is no higher purpose or authority to which we can appeal and find our worth beyond the “law of the jungle”. Therefore, compassion, kindness, and empathy are not preferred traits unless they in some way serve to further the species and can be argued (and often is) a weakness that must be eliminated. (see Nietzsche) We ultimately are left to scratch and claw to the top of the value heap and hope we can remain there. But this is a tenuous philosophy because inevitably, someone stronger (and therefore with greater utilitarian value) comes up the other side to knock us off.

In contrast, the Judaeo Christian view is that worth is intrinsic to man because we were made in “God’s image” and therefore our value is independent of our utilitarian purpose. The smallest and weakest of us has as much value as the greatest and strongest. Our performance does not define our value, rather our performance is an expression of our value. If our performance ceases due to injury, mental incapacity, or any other circumstance it does not diminish our value one iota. Our country was founded on this premise – “All men are created equal”. It is the foundation of our jurist prudence and the cornerstone of our culture. Is it perfectly enforced? No. But it is the ideal with which we built a great and beautiful society. I believe it works because it is true, not it is true because it works. For there are times and places where the powerful seem to have greater value and societies have relegated groups of people to inferior status simply because they don’t conform to group norms or have the necessary qualifications for being a benefit to the community.

With what do I fill the inner circle?

If you accept the Judaeo Christian view of a human’s worth then that circle must be filled with truths that are derived from the revelation given to us by our Creator – the Bible. This is the only reliable and authoritative source for creating a true identity and it must supersede all other opinions, beliefs, feelings, thoughts or ideas. There are many “Christians” and “Jews” who give lip service to the Scriptures and choose to base their identities on other things such as money, power, public opinion, attractiveness, and a myriad of other qualities but all of these fail the most critical test. Do you still have value when they are gone? If you lose value when you grow old or become incapacitated then that is not a true foundation to derive your worth. If you cease to appreciate yourself if you become bankrupt then you have placed your worth in the wrong thing. Why is this important? Because of the first principle I referenced which is your actions will reflect your beliefs. If you think you think these external things are the basis for your worth then you will live in constant fear of losing them and desperately seek happiness in the pursuit of them. We were made for so much more! We were made to find our hope in the eternal unconditional love of God and experience ultimate security in the joy of being in a relationship with him. Every other pleasure pales in comparison with this great purpose.

There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but only by God the Creator made known through Jesus Christ.
— Blaise Pascal


So who do you think you are … really?

It is a hard battle to secure your identity in absolute truth. Our present culture has sold out to relative truth evidenced by emotions carrying more weight than facts and opinions based simply on feelings. We have all been infected by these lies that want to mold us into thinking we are lesser than we were meant to be. Our culture tells us if we don’t have this, possess that or are following the latest popular craze then something is wrong with us. Many of us grew up in homes where appreciation was only given to us when certain performance standards were met – or in some cases never at all. Maybe you were in a relationship where you were loved only when you met the other person’s needs. All of these examples are insidious lies undermining the absolute truth that you are worthy of being loved for who you are, regardless of performance or conformity to a set of standards. When this truth is absorbed into the fabric of our soul it changes us from the inside out and endues us with a power that not only transforms our thinking but also our actions.

I have created some affirmations that you can use to begin bringing about change in the way you think about yourself. All these affirmations are biblically based with Scriptural references that you can look up. If they don’t “feel” right that’s okay. Often the last bastion of the lies in our life is our emotions. Don’t make truth conform to your feelings. Rather, make your feelings conform to the truth.


Click here to download a 30 day affirmation calendar

If there is anything we at Total Wellness Resource Center can do for you don’t hesitate to reach out to us.

Do You Dreeam of A Better Relationship?

Key Steps to Help Make Your Dreams Come True

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Many couples come to me with a belief that if they can just get their mate to change then their marriage problems will be solved. Oh, I know they will rarely come out and say that, they usually couch that belief in phrases like; “I know that I’m part of the problem but he …” or “I’m not perfect but she …”

It seems to be a human trait to make someone or something the “reason” for our not being happy. We immediately look outside ourselves to find the source for our misery. As a result, we may change our circumstance but we rarely achieve our objective.

Am I saying that our environment does not affect us? No. We can greatly benefit by creating healthy environments but our internal beliefs will always be a more powerful influence on us than our external situations. In fact, we will invariably mold our external world to conform to our internal reality. We then point to what we have created as the cause of our problem. This is a bit like digging a deep pit, jumping in, and then cursing the pit.

This attitude is demonstrated by words such as, always, never, can’t won’t and other self-limiting declarations.

“He will always …”

“She will never …”

“We can’t …”

“This won’t …”

When I hear these statements I ask a question (in my most understanding tone of voice), “Are you omniscient?” In which (if they understand the term) they reply

“No?”

So I press on with my questions.

“So you can’t see into the future, right?”

No” they respond in their confusion.

So why are you so willing to shut out the possibility that something good can happen in this case”

As long as we make certain negative outcomes our reality, we will refuse to see anything that may remotely contradict them or any possibility that change can occur. This negative filter will block what does not conform to our belief and so we create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The opposite is also is true. If we tenaciously hold on to a positive belief then we are almost certain to see it come true.

In 1962 President John F. Kennedy said, “we choose to go to the moon”.

It was a fanciful idea at the time. We had neither the technology nor the experience to accomplish such an ambitious goal. Those who were sitting in the audience, who would be tasked with fulfilling this declaration, must have experienced a range of emotions from exhilaration to terror as they assessed the challenge of fulfilling this “dream”. To date, the sum of their accomplishments was to put a single astronaut into an orbit three times around the earth. But the seed was planted, the commander and chief gave an order. Send Americans to land on the moon and successfully return and do this within eight years.

Some say I must see then I will believe, I say believe and only then will you see

“Okay, James thanks for the history lesson, but how does this apply to my life and my relationships?”

This is how.

If you are ever to have something better than you have now, if you are ever going to achieve a life that is beyond what you are currently experiencing you must make that dream a reality in your head and heart before it will become one in your experience.

We are who we believe we are
— C.S.Lewis

When it comes to our own identity and our relationships this means you must hold out hope that it can be better before it ever will become better. Experiencing an intimate, loving, mutually nurturing relationship is absolutely dependent on whether you believe it is possible. If you don’t believe it is possible then you will simply reproduce the same failures and experience the same results.

It starts with creating the dream just like President Kennedy did for those men and women of NASA. You can recruit an army of resources that will begin working for you but first, you must be open to the new possibility that something beautiful and extraordinary can happen.

Self-limiting beliefs are like cancer of the spirit, if left untreated they metastasize and kill. What they kill is our dreams, ambition, hope, love, and faith. They camouflage themselves as being “reality” or “rational thinking” but when you strip away the mask they are lies fueled by fear. We fear loss, failure, being exposed as a phony, or the loss of being able to justifying our own misery. We also fear losing the dysfunctional comfort we derive from not challenging our self-limiting beliefs because it would require painful self-examination and necessitate difficult fundamental life-change. For some, this is too much and so we slip into our tepid pool of dissatisfaction and entertain ourselves with all manner of toys. But for a few, the passion for a higher calling lies deep within their soul and will not be satisfied with a mundane and feckless life. For these, the calling is to the road less traveled, the mountains beyond the furthest peak.

If that is you then obey this internal calling and begin shedding all that would hinder your upward climb. For the air is sweet at the top and few are those who are willing to experience it. Are you?

Here are some beginning steps:

  • Make a list of all the limiting beliefs that you can bring to mind. This may take a while for they are often so much a part of us that we can’t extract them from our souls. Focus on your true dreams, not merely what you want but who you want to be. This is where you will find your most powerful self-limiting beliefs.

  • Begin to create a list of affirmations that will produce “cogitative dissonance”. I have attached a worksheet on how to create Smart Affirmations that will help you.

  • Reach out to friends, relatives and/or counselors to help you. Ask them what they see and be open to their perspective.

  • If you are spiritual then ask God to reveal areas of your life that are hidden to you. This is a verse that has been very meaningful to me over the years.

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
— Psalm 139:23,24 NIV

If we can ever be of help to you please don’t hesitate to reach out to us.

Key Tips to Developing Your Inner Entrepreneur


The Entrepreneurial Mindset -

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Some experts think of entrepreneurs as people who are willing to take risks that other people are not. Others define them as people who start and build successful businesses. Regardless of how you define an "entrepreneur," one thing is certain: becoming a successful entrepreneur isn't easy.

So, how does one person successfully take advantage of an opportunity, while another, equally knowledgeable person does not? Do entrepreneurs have a different genetic makeup? Or do they operate from a different vantage point, that somehow directs their decisions for them?

Though many researchers have studied the subject, there are no definitive answers. What we do know is that successful entrepreneurs/business owners seem to have certain traits in common.

·        Personal characteristics.

·        Interpersonal skills.

·        Critical and creative thinking skills.

·        Practical skills.

Most Importantly they ALL have an Entrepreneurial Mindset

What is a Entrepreneurial Mindset and do you have one?

A mindset is a fixed set of ideas that we all maintain about a certain subject. It determines how we will react to certain situations. For example, "I'm no good at languages so there's no point trying to learn French." With this attitude and state of mind, even if you were to try to learn French, how successful do you think you would be? The answer for most of us would be, very unsuccessful. We would have talked ourselves out of success before we’d even tried. And yet, many people successfully learn a new language. Why is that?

Successful and unsuccessful people do not vary in their abilities but rather vary in their DESIRES to reach their potential
— John Maxwell

Let’s look at these 10 qualities of successful entrepreneurs:

1.      Positive Thinking: No matter what happens, an entrepreneur can frame it in a positive light.  

2.      Learn from Failure and Move On: Entrepreneurs generally don't achieve success on the first try. But they try and try again. They're resilient and persistent.   

3.      Know the Moment to Give Up: Entrepreneurs also know when to stop pushing for something and wasting time and energy on a project that just isn’t working.

4.      Delegate to Others: They don't try to do everything themselves but reach out for help and designate tasks to those who are best equipped to do them.

5.      Love Learning: Entrepreneurs have a hunger for knowledge and new ways of thinking and embrace change.

6.      Take Risks: They are risk-takers, but not of random risks taken for no reason at all. The risks are calculated and considered.   

7.      Follow-Through: Entrepreneurs are always on the lookout for new opportunities, even when there is not necessarily an immediate result. 

8.      Remain Flexible: They are open to continuous change and improvement, and they are ready to adapt or change plans at a moment’s notice.

9.      Set Goals: People with the entrepreneurial mindset set goals as a way to focus on the future and motivate themselves forward. 

10.   Keep Good Company: Entrepreneurs surround themselves with other entrepreneurs, positive influencers, and like-minded individuals. 

As you went through these qualities of the entrepreneurial mindset, what did you think? Did you feel that some (or many) of them apply to you? Can you see areas where you could change or improve?

Don’t let your mindset interfere with your success.

If you believe you have nothing valuable to offer to anyone, then your negative mindset is going to prevent you from making a success of your business. What attitudes or beliefs do you have that could interfere with your success


Change Your Mindset and You Will Change Your Life

The good news is that your current mindset is not a blueprint for life. By taking a close look at your beliefs and asking important questions, you can change your mindset and set yourself up for success.

All successful people acknowledge the importance of having the right mindset in helping them succeed. Great athletes don't just have physical ability and training - they have the mindset to win. Renowned musicians don't just have talent and perfect pitch - they have the mindset to share their gift with the world. Pick up any book that tells you how so-and-so made two million dollars in their first year, follow their 'simple formula for success' and their strategies, and will you become successful? You might become successful, but many will not because they don't have the mindset of success.

Develop Your Entrepreneurial Mindset

Getting out there and acting like an entrepreneur will give you the challenges and learning opportunities that will transform your mindset.

What are some of the activities that you could use to cultivate an entrepreneurial mindset?

For example, you could:

What are some new skills you can learn and where can you learn them? Is there a particular risk or challenge your intuition is telling you to take?

Write down 3 actions you can take to help you to develop different aspects of the entrepreneurial mindset.

Do you want to learn more about starting your own business and becoming your own boss? Check out this amazing online “Start Your Own Business” course designed for all levels.

Get 50% off by applying

Coupon Code: MYFUTURE50

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We are here to help you be the best version of you. If we can answer any questions or guide you in any way please reach out to us at Connect@totalwellnesscenter.net

Climate Change: How to Change Your Personal Atmosphere

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Is there a dark cloud of negativity covering your relationships? Are your thoughts about the important people in your life generally anxious? Are even the “good times” in your life seen as temporary because you feel something bad will eventually happen? Then according to research Psychologist John Gottman, you are in Negative Sentiment Override. This is a state where we see our lives through a filter of negativity brought on by negative past events. In other words, we see the worse possible outcome in most situations and relationships. Left unchecked, this condition sabotages relationships and creates severe anxiety which and can lead to crippling depression.

It is caused by allowing our minds to get stuck in a perpetual cycle of negativity which inevitably produces negative outcomes which then produces more toxic beliefs.

Here’s the progression

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  1. An event happens. It could be something someone has said or did that has the potential of being seen in different ways. For example, Your spouse is late for a dinner.

  2. You give a negative interpretation to that event. You might say something like; “They’re disrespecting me and are completely unreliable”

  3. This causes hurt, anger, and resentment which is a result of your negative interpretation.

  4. This leads to an unhealthy confrontation that sounds something like; “I can’t believe you were so thoughtless and inconsiderate, you don’t care about me!” Negative Sentiment Override becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in that we create the environment that we expect.

  5. This negative interaction puts the other person in a “no win” position by either agreeing that they are thoughtless and inconsiderate and that they indeed don’t care about you or they defend against your negative interpretation by trying to justify their actions. This interaction reinforces your belief because, in your mind, there is absolutely no justification for such thoughtless and inconsiderate behavior.

    And now we wait for another situation to “prove” our negative belief about them, therefore, repeating the cycle and putting the relationship into a toxic downward spiral where one or both partners can no longer see any positive aspects of their relationship.


I was speaking to a client who was currently in Negative Sentiment Override and she was describing her husband. She said, in a tone of disgust, “When he gets up in the morning the first thing he does is make his bed!” Instead of seeing that is a positive, or even as a neutral event she sees it as some kind of character flaw. I understand that there is a lot more going on in that relationship that has caused this unreasonable negativity but this is how irrational we become when we see our partners through the lens of negativity.

The most insidious aspect of Negative Sentiment Override is that when we are in it we don’t know it. This is because we think we’re being “realistic” or “sensible” and the other person is the one who is creating the problem. We have ceased to put their lives in any positive context and have become myopically obsessed with attributing the worse possible interpretation to their character, actions, and motives. This is where relationships hit that tipping point and the belief that life would be better without the other person becomes an ever-increasing option.

Negative Sentiment Override is not merely confined to relationships, it can become a pervasive way of thinking as represented by “Murphy’s Law”. Whatever can go wrong will go wrong – or as some modern-day Merphyites have quipped “Murphy was an optimist”. This is not just a “glass half empty” mentality but an inability to see the good and a concentration on the bad that puts a dark shadow over our lives and relationships. If this condition persists our brains develop neurological pathways that default to the negative which then makes it increasingly more difficult to escape anxiety and fear based thinking. It is as if the events in our lives trigger a negative response which then deepens our propensity to cast our life in a negative light.

And when we are in Negative Sentiment Override we often come across as …

What do I do to escape

Negative Sentiment Override?

Recognize you are in it and take personal responsibility

The very first step is to step back and objectively look at your response to the various things in your life. Is your negative focus obscuring the good and beautiful things in your life? If you are regularly experiencing anxiety, regret and resentment then chances are in Negative Sentiment Override. This is not about ignoring the “challenges” in your life or avoiding confronting problems in your relationship. It is about recognizing that you have a choice as to what you focus on. You can choose to look up or look down, believe the best or believe the worse invest in hope or despair. When we have been in negative default mode for a while it may seem like we don’t have a choice but we do and it starts by becoming responsible for our own feelings. No one MAKES you feel anything – you CHOOSE to feel what you feel.


Create a new positive neuro network

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.
— Thornton Wilder

Yes, you can actually change your brain. It begins by refusing to allow your mind to ruminate on anything toxic and to meditate on health, uplifting, and healing thoughts. This all starts with developing an attitude of gratitude. It is clinically proven that those who cultivate gratitude in their lives live longer and have healthier and more satisfying relationships. Start with developing positive affirmations and increasing your daily dose of uplifting music and conversations. Turn off the news and media sources that are only about crime, conflict, and destruction. Limit regular exposure to anything toxic whether they be people, places or things. If you are finding yourself in Negative Sentiment Override it took you a long time to get there and you are not going to turn your brain around overnight – but you can change!

Create relational understanding

If I thought the way you think, I would feel the way you feel

Begin to seek to understand and create empathy for the reality of others. Here’s a statement that I have found very helpful. “If I thought the way you think, I would feel the way you feel. This sentence is a way of bridging the gap between our reality and the other’s reality. When we become willing to truly understand others we shed our prejudice and open up to understanding and connection. We still may have sincere disagreements but they are not tainted with criticism, bias, and resentment.


Turning our thinking around is never easy but very worth the effort. It may be helpful to look at your past and see if there are any negative messages that may be creating unhealthy thinking. These messages are insidious since we often don’t know they are there because they feel normal to us. Messages like, “you can’t trust anyone” or “you aren’t loved” cause us to distort our perceptions. If this is the case it may be helpful for you to get counseling to surface these toxic beliefs.


Our passion is to help you live the most successful life possible so If we can be of any assistance, please reach out to us.

Are We Training Our Daughters to be Circus Elephants?

Gender Discrimination in  Today's Workplace

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As a little girl growing up in Kansas I found that most of my girlfriends were busy playing dress up or school teacher. As for me, I loved pretending that I was a powerful business owner.  Honestly, I don’t think I had a clue what being a business owner meant other than I knew I needed a large desk, which I constructed out of a few corrugated boxes and a piece of plywood my father let me use.  On top of my new desk, I placed a stack of paper from my Big Chief notebook, a variety of pens, and a calendar for keeping track of my important meetings of course. So why 45 years later am I sharing this childhood memory?  Because I believe it is relevant to today’s workplace and the false boundaries that have been drilled into the minds of women.

Recently, I was completing some research for a new eCourse I am teaching, “Girl Entrepreneurs Rock - How to Start Your Own Business” When I ran across an article written by PEW Research  (pewreaserch.org) “Gender Discrimination”. In the article, they claim that over 42% women “feel” they are discriminated against in the workplace.  Now don’t get me wrong, discrimination is still lurking in many industries - yes even in 2018. But sadly, you will find discrimination is not “For Women Only” but rather an equal opportunity dysfunction of some ill-informed business owners/managers that choose to discriminate against gender, race, religion, politics, and even the physical appearance of potential staff members. So, although I believe that 42% of women might “feel” they are being discriminated against, I strongly disagree that this is the reality. I believe that after decades of society telling us the lie, you know the one,  “all women will be discriminated against in the workplace” we as women have started believing the fictitious boundaries of limited opportunities. I compare this phenomenon to the old practice of training of baby circus elephants.
 

"The thoughts we think equals the results we get"     -  Unknown

Training Baby Elephants

A trainer places a baby elephant in an empty pen and drives a massive, 10-foot iron stake into the ground, drags out a thick, heavy, metal chain, and tethers it to the small elephant's leg. The shackled animal fights and fights to get free but regardless of how much the baby tries he can’t break free and eventually gives up.
Now fast forward 10 years. That elephant, now massive, mature, and strong, is tied by a thin rope and a small piece of wood shoved in the ground. The grown elephant could, with a small step break free yet it doesn’t. Why? Because long ago, when it was a baby, it learned it was not capable of escaping. Now as a full-grown adult, it holds onto that false belief that he doesn’t even attempt to break free.

No Lies - No Limits

So after reflecting on my childhood playtime and the latest article on gender discrimination, I asked myself why, as a career woman, (starting in the 80’s) I was able to achieve top executive positions in a predominately male industry? Why was I able to start up and operate several successful companies? Then it hit me, I was never told that women didn’t have equal rights in the workplace. I pushed past boundaries not because what I heard in the media or read in the latest article but rather what I believed to be true - I was capable. I am certain there were times discrimination presented itself but I refused to give it the power to hinder me.
In the business world, there is a plethora of individuals, both men, and women, that still want you to believe in the lie of your limitations due to their own fear of your success. But you, and only you are responsible for speaking your own truth - the truth that you are capable of succeeding in any career you choose. The 10-foot iron stake has been removed and the metal shackle has been cut.

What proof do I have to make such a bold statement? Simply by reading the latest stats on the power of women in business.

Today's Women


More than 224 million women impact today’s global economy, according to the Global Entrepreneurship Monitor, including the 126 million female entrepreneurs who have started businesses and 98 million women who operate established enterprises. Women also make up the fastest-growing segment of business owners in the U.S. – and the Harvard Business Review says they represent 37 percent of global enterprises. According to NAWBO (the National Association of Women Business Owners), combined they generate $1.5 trillion in sales.

Technology allows a work from anywhere lifestyle, making today’s economy especially well-suited for women to start and sustain a business.

Below learn how you can join this growing segment of women business owners.

Note: This opportunity is not gender bias. Our course is designed for anyone who has an entrepreneurial spirit.

Read More on how you can learn the fundamentals of being your own boss by clicking on the button below.

We love to hear from our readers so please feel free to comment at Connect@totalwellnesscenter.net

When Sorry Doesn’t Cut It!

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In my work, I witness the terrible consequences of weak and under-preformed apologies. This phrase is an example I often hear in my sessions:

I said I was sorry, what more can I do?

In essence what the offender is doing is minimizing the pain they inflicted upon another person by not taking full responsibility for their own actions. This leaves the offended party feeling like they don’t matter and their pain is not real. It also builds a wall of suspicion and mistrust through which they interpret all future actions. In other words, they are thinking; if they did it once and they didn’t seem to care what’s stopping them from doing it again?

This is why it is critical that old wounds be healed so that trust can eventually be restored and the relationship repaired.

Before I get into the details about developing a true language of apology I need to say something about forgiveness.

  • Forgiveness is always a choice. It may not “feel” like a choice but it is.  
  • Forgiveness is unilateral. One does not need an apology to forgive. (but it helps)
  • Forgiveness always benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven. I have seen people who choose not to forgive turn bitter and cold.
  • Forgiveness is the only true path toward reconciliation. Unforgiveness is cancer in a relationship it will always end up in death.

No matter how pitiful or beautiful the apology the one who has been hurt can decide not to forgive. This is tragic because unforgiveness grows into resentment and resentment always damages the one who has it.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die
— Saint Augustine

So check your heart. If you have not forgiven someone then you are in danger of hurting yourself and that is very sad.

Learning the language of apology is about trying to create the best possible environment for healing a relational wound. Relationship wounds are similar to physical wounds, most physical wounds will heal over time but when they are cleaned, bandaged and tenderly cared for they heal much, much faster. And so it is with relational wounds when there is a true, honest and sincere apology the relationship heals faster.


Here are the five steps to making a good apology

Step One: Prepare Your Heart

True apologies come from a humble heart. The Bible says it like this.

God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.
— James 4:6

God is not the only one who opposes the proud. It is extremely hard to feel close to someone who is proud, much less forgive them. In fact, pride is toxic to a healthy relationship. Check your heart before you ask for forgiveness. Are you willing to humble yourself enough to admit your wrongs?  This does not mean that you were “totally” wrong. However, it does mean that you can admit to the part you had without blaming or excuses. It also means that you are not asking for forgiveness with the hope that the other person steps forward with an apology of their own. This may or may not happen, you have no control over that. What you do control is your own actions and taking responsibility for them.

Never ruin a good apology with an excuse
— Benjamin Franklin

Step two: Ask for permission to apologize.

The best time to apologize is when they are in a frame of mind to listen to your apology. That is not always immediately after you have hurt them. In fact, if you jump into an apology right away you need to ask; “Am I apologizing because I am truly sorry that I hurt them or am I apologizing because I don’t want to experience the consequences of my actions?” Ask for permission to apologize and wait until it is granted. In the meantime, act in a way that is consistent with your sincere desire to apologize. (i.e. don’t get bitter, passive-aggressive, distant or resentful.

Here’s something that you may say: “I would like to apologize for how I hurt you, is now a good time to talk?”


Step Three: State clearly what you did wrong and how you hurt them

This is the “meat” of the apology because it touches on the emotional damage that was caused by the offense. Often the offender doesn’t truly grasp the depths of the pain the other person experienced and therefore offers an apology that seems feeble and insincere. It is vital that the offender really understand the pain that was inflicted and just as vital that the one who was hurt feels like the offender empathizes with their pain. This means that the offended party needs to feel free to express their hurt until the offender hears, understands and acknowledges their pain.

Many a relational wound has gone unhealed because the offender has not taken the time and effort to truly understand the damage that was caused by their action. They trivialize it and reason it away and therefore never succeed in building a healing bridge which is necessary to bring about real reconciliation.

Here are a few questions that need to be asked when seeking forgiveness.

  • Can you tell me what I did that hurt you?
  • How do you feel about our relationship right now?
  • What was the worst part about the way I treated you?

When the hurt is expressed it is the job of the offender to paraphrase their feelings so that the hurt party can see that the offender truly understands their pain. Here is an example of putting this concept into words.

So what I hear you saying is when I [did, said, acted like I did] you felt [express the feeling here].

It is essential not to move on to step four until the offender is able to express the feelings of the offended to their own satisfaction.

Warning! Sometimes those who have been hurt also expect the one who hurt them to somehow read their minds and understand their feelings without expressing them. I have heard the offended party say things like; “well, if you don’t know, I’m not certainly not going to tell you!” This “logic” completely derails any hope of reconciliation and leaves the one seeking forgiveness confused, discouraged and even bitter. The relationship gap becomes even wider as the offender now becomes offended and both parties feel justified in their resentment toward each other.


Step Four: Tell them specifically how you intend to change

Step four is crucial, otherwise, what you’ve offered isn’t an apology — it’s an excuse. Ask them what you would like to see changed and offer your own suggestions for righting the wrong or changing a pattern of behavior. This is a time to get real about committing to change. There is an old word that is rarely used anymore (probably because taking responsibility for one’s own actions has fallen out of fashion in our present culture). The word is REPENTANCE.  What it means is to turn around and go in another direction. When we admit we have done something wrong it is not enough to simply be sorry for what we have done, we need to make a commitment to change. This means we need to repent. Does repentance mean that we will never do it again? No. What it means is that we are committing to the process of changing the way we are acting and therefore choosing a new path in the relationship. When you enter into step four be as specific as possible so that your apology has “teeth” and demonstrates your commitment to change.


Step Five: Ask them for forgiveness

This step comes after …

  • You have rid yourself of your pride and arrogance
  • You have honored them by allowing them to choose the right time for the apology
  • You have expressed your understanding of their pain and they believe you
  • You have committed to changing and have offered specific and tangible ways you are going to act differently

When all this has happened you have cultivated the soil to plant the seeds of forgiveness and reconciliation. In my experience doing this prep work will pay huge relational dividends.

It is important that the request for forgiveness be a sincere verbal request. Even if the offended party expresses their willingness to forgive before it is requested don’t halt the process. There is something very powerful in a verbal request and a verbal acceptance. It is a little like proposing. Usually, when the proposal is made it is a foregone conclusion that it will be accepted. But woe to the man who does not formally ask and wait for a reply. If that doesn’t happen a beautiful moment is missed and an opportunity to commemorate their mutual commitment is lost. No matter how weird it may seem, ask for forgiveness and wait until forgiveness is given. You will not regret it.  

When forgiveness is given that does not mean that emotional pain is immediately swept away. Sometimes it may take a while for emotional stability to return to the relationship. At a time like this, it is important for both parties to remember some vital truths.

The Offender: Let the other person heal. Just because they still feel the pain of the wound it does not mean your apology was not accepted. Be patient and kind, understanding that emotions often lag way behind our intentions. Forgiveness does not necessarily result in an instant normalization of your relationship, there is the emotional fallout which usually requires the rebuilding of trust. Stay the course and refuse to become discouraged. Depending on the severity of the offense, they may need to process the pain for quite a while until the wound heals.

The offended: Recognize that your decision to forgive is unilateral. It was your choice – and a very good one at that! If you still experience negative feelings it is not because you have not forgiven it is just a natural response to being hurt. Don’t let your emotions dictate your commitment to your relationship. Emotions are wonderful companions but horrible leaders - they get us lost every time.

One more thing; never use what you have chosen to forgive as ammunition for future arguments. When you forgive you give up all rights to punishing the wrongdoer for the hurt that was inflicted upon you. You have set the offender free and have set yourself free in the process.


Our passion at Total Wellness Resource Center is to see our clients experience transformation in their lives. We offer face to face as well as secure teleconferencing sessions in the areas of Life Coaching, Mental Health Counseling, Career/Business Coaching and Nutrition Coaching. Our comprehensive 360-degree approach helps our clients get unstuck and moving toward their dreams. If we can be of any help to you please reach out to us.

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Women Entrepreneurs: The Fastest Growing Segment of Business Owners

No Glass Ceiling Only Self Imposed Limitations

"The thoughts we think equal the results we get"

More than 224 million women impact today’s global economy, according to the Global Entrepreneurship Monitor, including the 126 million female entrepreneurs who have started businesses and 98 million women who operate established enterprises.

Women also make up the fastest-growing segment of business owners in the U.S. – and the Harvard Business Review says they represent 37 percent of global enterprises. According to NAWBO (the National Association of Women Business Owners), combined they generate $1.5 trillion in sales.

Technology allows a work from anywhere lifestyle, making today’s economy especially well-suited for women to start and sustain a business. If you focus on customer empathy and delivering digitally, you are where business is going.

Below learn how you can join this growing segment and stop working hard to make your boss’s dreams come true - instead start working hard to make YOUR dreams come true.

Note: This opportunity is not gender bias. Our course is designed for anyone who has an entrepreneurial spirit.

Check it Out

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When Do I Confront My Spouse?

Tolerance 3.jpg

 

“I can’t stand it anymore!” Says my client who is clearly distraught

“What can’t you stand,” I say in my most empathetic tone of voice, though I know from experience their next statement is going to strain my patience.

“They never put the cap on the toothpaste tube and it dribbles out all over the counter – I don’t think I can live with him anymore”

 

It may sound crazy but this is the substance of most of the conflict in our homes. We seem to turn seemingly trivial offenses into grounds for divorce. The underlying truth is these arguments are rarely about the toothpaste tubes in our lives? Our conflict is at a much deeper level. Here are some examples that I have seen:

  • He doesn’t clean up, therefore, he doesn’t care about me
  • She is late therefore she doesn’t think I’m important
  • He didn’t remember to pick up milk on the way home, therefore, he doesn’t love me
  • She bought an expensive dress, therefore, she doesn’t respect me.

All of these events are interpreted through the lens of our own insecurity regarding the relationship and therefore validate our underlying assumption. For example, did the husband consciously decide to make a statement about his lack of love for his wife when he forgot to bring home the milk? Or did the wife say, “I’m really going to stick it to him” when she bought that dress?  No! But we act like they did and therefore judge our spouse’s actions as if we were prosecuting a murder trial and have found the smoking gun. This leaves our spouse feeling misjudged and condemned saying things like … “relax, it’s only a toothpaste tube!”

But it isn’t a toothpaste tube … it’s much more, it’s how we experience relationships.

Let me propose an alternative. John Gottman in his 45 years of research into marriages has concluded that good marriages have the ability to default to the positive. This means that when something happens that could be interpreted negatively it is instead seen in the context of overall positive experiences and therefore overlooked as an isolated negative event. In what he calls “good enough marriages” this happens often. Couples just don’t make a big deal of all the little irritations that happen in their relationship because they are fundamentally secure in their mutual love for one another.

But this doesn’t mean that you should let everything slip by. Sometimes our spouse does something that we simply must confront for the good of the marriage (not to mention our sanity)

And here in lays the challenge, when should we confront and when should we just let it slide?

Below is a visual for what I refer to as the Tolerance Line.


The Tolerance Line.png

 

Those things that are below the Tolerance Line you let go but when something rises above this line that is when you must address it.

Some may be asking, “Why don’t we just let everything go?”

Because when happens that is at the core of the vision you have for your life or your relationship you must confront or be in danger of losing yourself. Healthy conflict is a golden door to intimacy because it is where you define your values, dreams, desires, hopes, and beliefs. In short, it is where you draw the boundary lines around who you are as a person. If you lose that, then you lose yourself, and if you lose yourself then you can’t possibly be in a healthy relationship with another person. This is because there is no authentic person to connect with the relationship. When we enter into a healthy conflict we allow ourselves to be seen and known because the situation we are addressing is in some way touching one or more of these vital areas. How are we to know each other unless we talk about the things that cause us distress?

The key to this type of healthy conflict is that we carefully consider what to let go and what to talk about. And if we choose wrongly (i.e. we fail to have the courage to confront) these are some of the consequences we experience.

  • Unresolved anger
  • Passive aggressive behavior
  • Isolation
  • Lack of intimacy
  • Loss of self

How do you know the difference? Here are some principles for bringing up issues that cross our Tolerance Line.

Is it trivial?

If it is trivial, then let it go. This means that we stop being oversensitive and realize that somethings just don’t rise to the level of confrontation. Let’s face it, our spouse is much different than we are (that is one of the main reasons we are in the relationship) therefore they are going to think and act differently than we do. This means there are going to many, many times when we just need to step back and say in our best French accent “vive la différence!”

Is it about me?

By this I mean, is this our issue and not theirs? Are my unhealed emotional wounds being triggered? Am I asking those in my life to walk on “egg shells” because I have a problem with crunching sounds? (yes, I am speaking metaphorically … I hope!) If this is your issue then you must not put the burden on them to accommodate your problem. This means you need to get serious about your own healing. I believe that part of the healing process is to let those closest to us into the process by telling them where we are struggling. But this is a far different conversation than the condemnation, shaming or otherwise controlling behavior we often exhibit when our insecurities are triggered.

Will this negatively affect our relationship?

Is this is something that will not go away, and will create distance between us if left unchecked? If so, then it has crossed the Tolerance Line even if you don’t want to confront it. Sometimes when the Tolerance Line is crossed it is not accompanied by our strong emotions. Sometimes, we need to become courageous and speak even when we are loathed to do so.

Will this negatively affect my spouse in other areas of their life?

We are our brother’s (and sister’s) keepers, and a part of the commitment to our marriage is a willingness to watch each other’s back. This means that when we see our spouse do something that will sabotage their life in some other area we must confront it. Not merely when our own comfort zone has been violated. This is love: “To do what is in the best interest of the other person, no matter what!”

Can I put aside my prejudice and judgments and listen to their side?

We are not ready to confront until we are ready to listen. Why is this when we clearly see that something they are doing is wrong? Two reasons come to mind.

  1. They will not listen to us if we don’t listen to them. Yes, what Teddy Roosevelt said many years ago is still true. “People don’t care how much you know unless they know how much you care.” One of the chief ways we show that we care is when we take the time and effort to understand their reality by listening to them. This shows ultimate respect and when someone feels respected they will most likely offer up the same honor.
  2. When we listen (I mean listen for understanding and empathy) to our spouse it helps us discern if we have been thinking wrongly. Yes, when we believe that someone has crossed the Tolerance Line we often can’t see ourselves clearly. We think we have a righteous argument but in reality, we are just being self-righteous. Confrontation with humility and a willingness to listen and learn is the greatest safeguard for this condition.

Am I willing to share my vulnerable emotions?

Nobody likes being confronted by an angry person. It is the surest way to end any chance of a successful compromise by creating a defensive response. We need to lead with an emotion that will draw them in and help create an atmosphere of understanding. In Gottman terms, this is called a “soft startup”. Think of it this way. If you saw a person on the street ranting and raving, waving their arms in anger would you walk up to them and ask them what’s going on? No! You’d cross to the other side of the street or even call the Cops. But if you saw someone sad and crying you’d probably be tempted to walk over and ask if you could do something to help. That’s the difference between soft and hard emotions? Sadness, confusion, fear, loneliness and the like draw others closer to us but anger, hostility, aggression repel them. Next time someone crosses your Tolerance Line lead with a soft emotion and see what a difference it will make to their receptivity.

The bottom line in all Tolerance Lines is forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not restore a relationship but it does empty the relationship of the toxins that keep people stuck in the revolving door of resentment and retribution. If you want to be in a relationship you will need to get very, very good at forgiveness. Even if someone has crossed your Tolerance Line there is still no excuse for not to forgiving them, no matter how many times they do it. Yes, you may need to confront them, and yes there may be no successful outcome but that does not mean that you have the right to remain in a state of unforgiveness. Forgiveness does not guarantee reconciliation but unforgiveness does guarantee continued conflict. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself that keeps your heart from growing cold and hard and allows you to grow in love, peace, and joy. 

If this has been helpful let us know in the comment section below. If you would like to receive our weekly newsletter then just sign up and we’ll send it to you.

 Click here to download a free version of the Tolerance Line illustration

How To Boost Your Self Confidence

Training Your Brain To Be More Confident is Possible

We are on a mission to help our clients become more self-aware, more confident, and find balance in their lives.  Although our clients come to us for a variety of reasons,  we find that over 85%  are dealing with challenges within clarity of identity,  self esteem,  and/or  self confidence.  In addition to recently publishing an eBook  (see below free offer) to you  understand and improve self confidence, we also want to share any quality articles or science based findings to help you with your journey.   

Today I read an excellent article written by Bruna Martinuzzi for American Express that  is worth sharing:   

JULY 30, 2018 To succeed in business today, whether as a leader, manager or business owner, knowing how to boost your self-confidence is paramount. A lack of confidence may prevent you from pursuing opportunities or taking risks to help you grow.

Confidence is a strong sense of self. When you have self-confidence, you signal to others that you believe in yourself and your ability to deliver results. As a leader, confidence enables you to lead powerfully. When you approach others with confidence, you increase your chances to engender trust and respect.

If you're looking to improve your self-confidence, it's important to note that this is not something you can achieve overnight. However, there are some actionable steps that you can take.

 Pursue excellence, not perfection.

The definition of perfectionism is "the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness." Pursuing perfection can lower your ability to boost your self-confidence because you would be judging yourself against impossible standards.

By contrast, consider pursuing excellence in everything you do. Aiming for excellence means setting and meeting the highest standards that are reachable. Knowing that what you're doing matches the highest standards boosts your self-confidence. Chasing perfection, on the other hand, lowers your confidence because it creates doubt and anxiety as you try to reach unrealistic standards.

Do you have a tendency toward perfectionism? Consider these three tips:

  • Create a list of the services you provide to internal or external customers.
  • Consider what's required to be outstanding in each of these services.
  • Now create a plan to tackle each of these areas in a way that surpasses ordinary standards.
  •  Invest in your competence.

The adage "fake it till you make it" can lead to feeling like a fake rather than feeling genuinely self-confident.

Instead, you can boost your self-confidence by focusing on increasing your competence in the central areas of your work. Become good at what you do. It's one of the most direct ways to boost your self-confidence.

Moreover, once you reach a certain level of competence, consider raising the bar on yourself. Raising the bar leads to continuous improvement over time.

How else can you invest in your competence?

  • Be honest with yourself about what you don't know. Create a personal competency framework and spend time increasing your knowledge or skill in the areas that need attention.
  • Research your area of expertise to learn new trends and new ways of doing things. The world is dynamic and changing. Falling behind can erode your confidence.
  • Sharpen the saw by attending some online courses which are now available in almost any subject.
  • Read as much as you can—not only in your area of expertise, but for general business knowledge as well. Even if you're very busy, you can subscribe to a book summary service to improve your professional skills and boost your self-confidence are just a few of the services available.

Learn from your own experience.

  • After a significant event, such as delivering a major presentation or doing a sales call with an important client, reflect on the experience.
  • Take a sheet of paper, label it "lessons learned" and capture everything you've gained from the event. For example:
  • What part of your performance went well? That's what you don't want to forget so that you can repeat it the next time.
  • What didn't go as well? What do you need to avoid doing the next time?
  • What do you need to do differently or better to take yourself to the next level?
  • What do you need to abandon altogether?
  • Not taking the time to reflect and capture the lessons may limit your ability to learn from your own experience. Self-confidence is a quality we gain above all from repeated successful experiences.

 Stop the self-harassment.

Self-harassment is when we persistently berate ourselves for any failures, whether real or perceived. Instead of severe self-criticism, consider practicing self-acceptance which can help boost your self-confidence. How can you do this?

  • Start by raising your self-awareness so that you can exercise self-control. Just how many times in a week do you belittle your efforts, blame yourself for events, or speak harshly to yourself? Self-criticism becomes habitual, and we hardly notice it. Catch yourself in the act. Self-awareness precedes self-management.
  • Develop an accurate assessment of who you are. What do you do well? What do you do not so well? Notwithstanding this knowledge, accept yourself unconditionally. To achieve this, set an intention to appreciate yourself for who you are.

  • Remind yourself that you're in control of your self-development. Work on ironing out any rough edges or doing whatever it takes to improve what needs to be improved.

Prepare, prepare, prepare.

Preparation is a key to boosting your self-confidence. When you're prepared, you tend to feel less pressure. Preparation gives you a feeling of being in control. It can give you a head start so that you can think and act your best.

Let's take the example of going to a meeting. Meetings are often events that can put a dent in self-confidence because you're observed and possibly judged by your lack of contribution.

To build your confidence in a meeting:

  • Never go into a meeting unprepared. Be prepared to contribute to the discussion even if you're not scheduled to speak.

  • Try to find out the meeting topics in advance, if possible. What are your ideas about the meeting topics?

  • Prepare a question or two that you might ask. Leaving a meeting with a feeling that you've contributed to the discussion can be a big confidence booster.

Beware of the comparison trap.

When you measure yourself against others, you may rob yourself of the confidence that comes from believing in your abilities. Cultivate an inner trust based on doing the right things for yourself, your staff and your business. If you look to the success of others, do it to learn rather than to measure yourself.

When it comes to comparing ourselves, self-comparison is essential. Are you better today than you were yesterday? Compare your progress with where you were when you started. By focusing on even small improvements that you've made in your skills and abilities from day to day, you may start to see your self-confidence surge.

Learn from the best to help boost your self-confidence.

  • Find out who are the best people in your line of business and study what they do. Think about them, read articles about them and watch their performances. Follow them on social media and research everything about them that you can.
  • What can you learn from these people that can help you reach the same level of success in your field? Once you've determined what they do, consider how you can even surpass them.

Even the most confident people can sometimes find themselves in situations where they doubt themselves. Everyone needs some tools in their toolkit to boost their self-confidence. Self-confidence is key to having the mental edge that helps you success.

Read original article at: American Express / Small Business

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Learn Why Eight-Five Percent of Us Struggle to be Happy

Research Shows that 85% of us are Living with the Effects of  Low Self-Esteem and a Lack of Self-Confidence, Resulting in Frustration and Unfulfilled Potential.

What's the big deal about self-confidence?

Confidence is hard to define but easy to recognize. With it, you can take on the world; without it, you live stuck at the starting block of your potential
— Katty Kay and Claire Shipman - "The Confidence Code"

The observation by William James, that most people live in a restricted circle of potential,  holds no less true today than when he made it over a century ago. The reason that so many people never fulfill their potential is not a lack of intelligence, opportunity or resources, but a lack of belief in themselves. Or to put it another way, too little self-confidence.  Without it, you can do little, with it, you can do anything!

 But what is confidence, anyway?

Often people think of confidence as something that the lucky few are born with and the rest are left wishing for, but that’s not true. Confidence is not a fixed attribute; it’s the outcome of the thoughts we think and the actions we take. No more; no less. It is not based on your actual ability to succeed at a task but your belief in your ability to succeed.

For instance:

  • Your belief in your ability to speak in front of an audience
  • Your belief in your ability to learn a new skill set
  • Your belief in your ability to be a leader
  • Your belief in your ability to handle confrontation or manage conflict
  • Your belief in your ability to change career path, or start a new business
  • Your ability to exit an unhealthy relationship
  • Your ability to live a healthy lifestyle

It's been long established that the beliefs we hold – true or otherwise – direct our actions and shape our lives. The good news is that new research into neural plasticity reveals that we can literally rewire our brains in ways that affect our thoughts and behavior at any age. Which means that no matter how timid or doubt-laden you’ve been up to now, building self-confidence is largely what psychologists call a volitional action. Or to use layman language: “By choice.” With consistent effort, and the courage to take a risk, we can gradually expand our confidence, and with it, our capacity to build more of it!

Of course, confidence can wax and wane throughout our lives. It’s boosted when we experience a win or receive praise. It takes a hit when our efforts fall short of the mark, we’re criticized, rejected or simply feel a lack of external recognition. We’re only human after all. It’s therefore vital not to become overly reliant on external affirmation to prop up our self-worth but to take ownership for taking the worthwhile actions needed to sustain it. Which begs the question:

How do you build the confidence needed to overcome your challenges and achieve your goals, particularly when you don’t first succeed?

The following FREE eBook "How to Boost Your Self-Confidence" will help clarify several common roadblocks and help you on your journey to being more confident.

Do you want to keep informed on tips and articles on Self-Inprovement? Sign Up for our newsletter and receive your FREE book "How to Boost Your Self Confidence"  

 
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Warmest,

The Total Wellness Team

5 Steps to Finding the Right Career for You

5  Steps to Finding the Right Career for You

I was one of the rare lucky ones to know what I’d be doing with my life before I turned 21. Although I was never a wiz in school, I could calculate numbers in my head faster then most of my friends could help with their calculators, and no I didn’t become an accountant. But I did focus on my love of numbers and realized I could calculate down to the decimal point regarding the cost of individual processes, and then figure out a more efficient and cost-effective way to make things flow. 

Read More

10 Steps to Create the Ultimate Vision Board

 Download the  FREE Ultimate Guide to Creating YOUR Board

(Bottom of the Page)

The Science that says "WHY" this Works.

Are you one who thinks a vision board is simply child’s play, then think again. They work, and there’s actually neuroscience along with other scientific studies that help us understand the power behind this simple tool.

First of all, visualization has been proven to be one of the most powerful mind techniques you can do. A vision board is basically an extension of your mind, it takes your thoughts and couples them with actions, driving a higher level of results. Olympic athletes have been using it for decades to improve performance, and Psychology Today reported that the neuro brain patterns activated when a weightlifter lifts heavyweights are also similarly activated when the lifter just imagined (visualized) lifting weights.

Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world. - Joel A. Barker

What is a Vision Board?

A vision board is a tool used to help clarify, concentrate and maintain focus on a specific life goal. Literally, a vision board is any sort of board on which you display images that represent whatever you want to be, do or have in your life.

What can a vision board do for you?

Your vision board will function similar to a road map,  or more currently ”your online Google map”, as my husband likes to call it, ”His Nav Babe”. It works as a visual reminder of your desired destination and route.  In a way, it works as a primer for your subconscious.

Malcolm Gladwell, author of Blink shares examples of how simply reading lists of words designed to evoke a certain feeling such as aggression or cooperation can bring out that emotion without our conscious awareness, even if we know we’re being manipulated. It sounds a bit scary but it shows how powerful our mind works and the power of the words we feed it. That is one of the many reasons I am an advocate for using a lot of positive words, not only on my own boards but the boards of my clients.

Steve Harvey and Oprah discussing Vision Boards on OWN

 
 

Are you ready to start creating your

Vision Board?


 10  Steps to your Ultimate Board

Step 1: Clear your mind

The most important step to creating any goal or vision is to empty your mind of old thoughts, allowing it to be free to think without predetermined limits or boundaries. Why is this step important?  Because an empty mind is:

  • Aware—embracing the present moment and experience
  • Peaceful—it doesn’t dwell on the same thoughts
  • Intuitive—it’s receptive to input from higher sources
  • Free—from judgment and worry
  • Creative—allowing inspiration and new ideas to come in
  • Relaxed—it releases stress and fosters wellbeing
  • Energized—no effort is wasted on unwanted thoughts

I recommend meditation.

Meditation is the best way to calm your overactive mind. It’s simple and requires only a couple of things—stillness and your willingness to do it.

How to do it—find a quiet place, at your home, office or even outside in the midst of nature. Set a timer for 10 to 20 minutes.

Sit upright, on the floor, ground, or a chair, close your eyes and start focusing on your breath. Take a few breaths, in and out slowly, and follow your breath. Think of a few things that you’re thankful for and name them in your mind, then smile. As you continue to smile, follow your breath; inhale and exhale. Don’t worry if your mind resists in the beginning. Your mind may wander and you may lose focus on your breath. That’s normal. Awareness comes in waves. Just ride it as long as you can, then catch the next one.

If you have a hard time focusing on your breath, start counting with each breath. Once you are relaxed it is time to move to step two.

Step 2:  Today I Am

As in every journey, there is always a starting point. So, before you plan your journey forward you must understand where you currently stand in your life. Defining your starting point will help you set benchmarks and measurables. Grab your workbook (free download) and turn to page - "Today I Am” and answer the listed questions.

TIP: Answer the questions with your initial thought and keep them honest. Your journey forward will start to unfold as soon as you reveal your current location in life.

Step 3: What is on Your Bucket list

Webster states that a bucket list is:  "a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime." I agree with Webster except for the one word ..."hope".  I personally like to exchange "hopes to have" to "Will have".  Remember the power of words in the previous paragraph.   

Turn to the page in your planner "Bucket List" and write down EVERYTHING you dream of having and doing in your life. There are no limits to your dreams.  Make them enormous.

Step 4: Determine Your Theme

Determine a theme for your board. This can be as broad as “My Life” or as narrow as “My Career." Keep in mind; there are no ”Vision Board Quotas” so you can create as many as you want to make. In fact,

Warning; they can actually become addicting once you see the power of visualizations.

Step 5: Materials

Gather all the materials listed in your Planner on the page "Materials",  place them in the workspace you have designated to create your vision board. Keep in mind, some of the materials will need to be kept out of the hands of small children and away from quality furniture (i.e., glue, scissors, etc) but you know that already. In the business world, we call that CYA, so thanks for indulging my old corporate habits.

Step 6: Gathering Images

Your board is only as powerful as your images so choose wisely. You may find images, that at the moment feel perfect, but later you decide not to use on your board - don’t worry, I have never used all the images I ”thought” I would. Also, keep your mind open to all types of media, you can find great images in magazines, on the internet, in ads, or you may even choose to draw your own. All is fair in thought and vision. This is where “Go Bold or Go Home” is a good rule of thumb. The images you choose should move you and stir something deep inside.

Step 7: Inspirational Quotes

Now that you have gathered the images that reflect your future dreams, back them up with powerful inspirational quotes.

You’ve got to think about big things while you’re doing small things so that all the small things go in the right direction.” Alvin Toffler

 Even if you choose mot to put the quotes directly on the board, they are powerful when placed in areas you can see them daily. Take it one step further and write them in your Planner on the designated page for quotes. Another proven fact is; when we write your thoughts down vs. just thinking them, it activates multiple areas of the brain stimulating memory. so write, write, write ...

Step 8: Let the Creative Juices Flow

It is time to create. Cut out the images and plan their placement. You can place as many or as few images on your board. The key is to make sure it speaks to YOU. Since I will be suggesting that you place your board where you can see it frequently, you may want to choose primary colors that go with your decor (or not).

Great Tip: Once you’ve planned out your board, take a photo of it before you start securing the images into place. If you are using glue, you will need to remove the images in order to place glue on the backs and the photo will help you remember their placement.

Step 9: Place and Admire.

You can place your board where wherever you desire - but, again, the power in this board is ”seeing” it regularly. I have clients who take photos of the completed board and use it as the wallpaper on their tablets and phones. You can also do like Steve Harvey did and have a photo in dozens of key locations. Regardless of where you place your board or the photos of your board, you have just embodied your dreams in a visual format.

Step 10: To Do List - Once your board is completed you will need to create a list of  actions that will turn your dreams into reality.

Now, Get ready for great things to start taking place in your life. This is your journey - make it an exciting one.


Before starting your Vision Board, Download and read through this Ultimate Guide designed to take your Vision Board to the next level and reboot your brain to think BIGGER.  We would love to see the photo of your board, along with your success stories.  Please send to

connect@totalwellnesscenter.net or feel free to call us at (310) 461-4107

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Five Steps to Intimacy: Creating Yours, Mine and Ours

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FREE WORKBOOK DOWNLOAD

Do you ever think relationships would be easy if the other person was like you? We may not actually say that but often we act like it, especially when our partner is excited about something that we have absolutely no interest in.

When this happens we must choose a response.

  1. Act like we enjoy it: (ie. Fake it)
  2. Decline to participate: (ignore it)
  3. Negotiate for something you want:  (Leverage it) This becomes a “tit for tat” arrangement, something like saying, “if you’ll see the latest superhero movie with me I’ll go shopping for shoes with you.”

So how are these solutions working? Not so good ugh?

This is why …

1. Act like you enjoy it:

The first solution of acting like we enjoy it doesn’t work … unless we’re going for sympathy. This is because everyone knows how much you are hating what you’re doing and you’re probably so unhappy that they’re probably wishing you just said no to it in the first place. If that’s what you're going for you’d be better off just saying no. Which leads us to the second option.

2. Decline to participate:

So you’ve successfully avoided the hated activity but now you’ve got another problem. You’re missing out on something your partner is passionate about. Why is this a problem? I have found that it is one of the major complaints of that troubled relationships I work with because if you can’t appreciate the things that your partner loves it is very hard to convince them that you appreciate them. That’s right, the things we love are intricately tied to us so that if you are rejecting the things your partner loves they see this as a de facto rejection of them. John Gottman the renown research Psychologist has found that developing a culture of appreciation for your partner's interests and activities is fundamental to maintaining a good marriage.

3. Negociate

Now I hear you saying, “isn’t this just creating a good compromise?” Yes, I believe in compromise, in fact, compromise is at the core of being able to deal with perpetual conflict. In many cases, we need to compromise in order to maintain a healthy balance in a relationship. But if we ever find ourselves creating a relationship based upon, “if you do _______ then I will do ________” then we are headed for real problems. This is because healthy relationships are built on unconditional love and when we create a “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” attitude then we find that our back never gets scratched enough and we begin feeling that we are scratching theirs too much. In addition, all the time we are “compromising” we are very likely slipping into the “faking mentality” which will end up making everyone miserable.

Let me share some illustrations that I have find helpful when working with my couples.

INDEPENDENCE

 
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This is where the couple finds little or no involvement in one another’s life. It is characterized by the phrase, “they have their life and I have mine”. There is very little interaction, except in areas of necessity (paying bills, dealing with children, etc.) Often, I see couples at this stage when the children have left the house and now they are wondering why they got married in the first place since they have no mutual interests. They have become strangers to each other.

DEPENDENCE

 
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This is a state where one partner can’t move without the other. They are living in each other’s world even to the denial of their own uniqueness. Psychology calls it “enmeshment” and it is often caused by a fear of rejection or poor self-image. These relationships are suffocating because they don’t allow for the individuality and creativity of the other person and instead attempt to make it wrong for either partner to have an opinion or interest outside of the approval of their partner. When I see a couple like this it is often because one party is making a desperate attempt to find freedom and is pushing them into an “all or nothing” approach.  When this problem is not addressed it often leads to divorce.

INTERDEPENDENCE

 
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This is where both partners maintain their unique personalities and interest but find ways to share in the passionate pursuits of each other's world without the need to isolate or become enmeshed. It is where we acknowledge individuality (viva la difference) but also recognizes the beautiful contribution that this difference brings to the whole. The challenge is:

  • Develop a way to both maintain individuality without becoming independent.
  • Create interdependence without becoming dependent.

The five steps

1.       Celebrate the Difference: We have a saying in Marriage Counseling, “opposites attract and then they attack”. Basically, this means that we are drawn to our partner because of the unique attributes they possess that we find fascinating. But then as time goes on we no longer find these characteristics fascinating but irritating. One of the most common pairings I find is an extrovert marring an introvert. Here is how they become attracted and then attack each other:

When an introvert meets an extrovert they say, “wow, I love the way you connect with people and feel so at home in a crowd. When I’m with you I feel like I’m with a rock star!
When an introvert lives with an extrovert for a while they may say, “why do you always need to be with people … can’t you just stay home more often?”
When an extrovert meets an introvert they say, “You are so deep and thoughtful, I love your calmness and wisdom, I find it very peaceful.”
When an extrovert lives with an introvert for a while they say, “ why do you spend so much time alone reading your books, what’s wrong with you?”

Instead of celebrating our partner's difference we want them to become more like us because that’s more comfortable. But good relationships are not always comfortable – sometimes they require us to stretch. Healthy relationships have this ability to be both totally accepting of our unique peculiarities and also challenge us to grow to experience our full potential. So for an introvert living with an extrovert, there is a challenge to broaden their world of relationships and touch more lives. And for an extrovert living with an introvert, there is a challenge to develop a contemplative life and deepen their inner world. This growth requires that we learn how to appreciate the other’s gifts, abilities, and interests even if we have no desire in those areas.


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Getting to We

This is when we become aware of an interest in our partner's sphere and choose to find something in that interest we can authentically be excited about. That interest is then pulled into our sphere and we then share it in the "we" sphere.


2.       Identify your partner’s passions: You may know what they are or you may not. Sometimes when one partner has been hearing negative things about what they love they lose hope of ever pursuing them. This is a sad state where they live a hopeless unfulfilled life that offers no joy. We need to kindle our partner’s interests rather than dampen them.  A truly happy relationship is where we are the wind under their wings and they are encouraged to become all they were meant to be. So during this step, we need to sit down and take an inventory of our partner’s interests. Ask questions like:

  • If you could do anything, with no limitations, what would it be?
  • What have you always wanted to do but just never got around to it?
  • As a child, what did you like to do that never lost it’s fun?

Okay, I can hear some of you saying, “how is just doing what they want to do going to work for me?” Here are three thoughts about that.

Encouraging the loves and interests of your partner gives you a partner who is more fully alive and who, in turn, has the capacity to help encourage your passions.

Encouraging the loves and interests of your partner produces a deeper and more intimate relationship. We feel close to those who truly know us and to know and appreciate our unique passions is one of the best ways of feeling known.

Our partner will never feel truly loved if we do not appreciate those areas of interest and passion that is the expression of their unique self
— James Tillman

Encouraging the loves and interests of your partner opens you up to a new and expanding world of adventure that offers you a fuller richer life. This leads us to the third step.

3.       Find something in your partner’s interests that you can authenticly be excited about.

Here’s an example from one of the couples I work with.

The wife is passionate about all things fashion and loves to follow the latest fashion bloggers who have enormous influence in the clothing industry. The husband is a numbers guy and has no interest in the fashion industry. There seems to be no way that he will be able to find something that interests him in his wife’s fashion passion. But he did! He was able to look past the clothes and see that there are a few power bloggers who are able to move people to purchase clothes simply by using influence. He found this fascinating because he is in a company that would be greatly enhanced by applying some of the same principles to their product. So when his wife is looking at the latest trend in clothing on her smartphone he is looking over her shoulder at the way the clothes are being presented and the power of influence.  

You may need to get creative and expand your palate of colors but this is an opportunity to grow if you are up for the challenge. Because when you do you accomplish step four.

4.       Pull your partner’s “my interest” into a “we interest”: Finding something that interests you in your partner's passion will create an opportunity for you both to grow closer and experience a more enjoyable life together. Examples:

We both have a “we interest” in amusement parks: I like the rides, she likes the shows
We both have a “we interest” in taking vacations: I like exploring new and unusual sights, she likes finding new and interesting restaurants.
We both have a “we interest” in visiting museums. She likes learning about ancient cultures, I find the artwork fascinating. When you do this you accomplish the fifth step.

5.       Go for the win, win, win as much as possible: Let’s face it, we’re not always going to find something that peaks our interest in everything our partner loves. Sometimes we’re just going to need to love that our partner loves it. This kind of attitude says, “I can appreciate something simply because it gives you pleasure and that makes me happy.”

I like Disneyland … it must be because it holds some of my happiest memories when I was growing up. My wife has really no love for Disneyland (grew up in Kansas) and in fact, it would not be a place she would ever choose to go even if someone were to pay. But the other day she surprised me by planning a date to the Magic Kingdom. We had a marvelous time and she authentically enjoyed the park. This was because of seeing it through my eyes. One moment stands out as a precious memory. We were in the Enchanted Tiki Room. This is one of the most outdated but beloved attractions in Disneyland and definitely an acquired taste. During the show, she leaned over to me and gave me a tender kiss. I asked her what that was about and she said, “because I love to see you in your happy place.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we could get to that place more often in our relationships? Enjoying an activity simply because it brings joy to our partner. This requires that we are willing to cultivate a caring, giving and unselfish relationship with our spouse. This commitment will reward us tenfold in not only a more satisfying relationship but even more importantly a more beautiful character which, in the end, produces greater wholeness, wellness, and joy.

Get your Free "Getting to We" Couple's Worksheet

This workbook  is a step by step guide to help a couple discover their individual areas of interests and bring their partner into these areas so that they become something they mutually enjoy. 

 
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14 Healthy Recipes to "Make Your Lunch Count"

Easy, Delicious Recipes to help you celebrate   "National Make Your Lunch Count Day"  Free Download

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But why wait until April 13th,  when we can start today?  Between breakfast, widely branded as the day’s “most important” meal, and dinner, the meal we spend all day waiting for, lays a conspicuous meal that doesn’t get the recognition it deserves: lunch. It’s sometimes seen as a tide-me-over between breakfast and dinner, and will often be forgotten altogether if a day’s workload proves too large to allow for a break. So, on April 13, let’s take a moment to memorialize lunch. And not just memorialize it, but really make it count! Here’s a hearty, midday toast to National Make Lunch Count Day.

Why We Love National Make Lunch Count Day

  •  It's a window to the world

Lunch is the meal most often eaten away from home, and as such, we're usually around a different crowd of people in a different place than for our other meals. One way we can really make our lunches count is by finding ways to enjoy it with those around us. It's the perfect time to arrange a short, midday meet-up with an old friend, or to get to know a new one a little better.

  •  When breakfast gets in the way, lunch saves the day

We've all had mornings where we're just too rushed to put some food into our stomachs before taking off. If it weren't for our lunch breaks, there's no way we'd make it through those days. Lunch can serve as a much-needed afternoon pick-me-up when there's just no time for breakfast.

  •  It breaks up the day

You'd have a hard time finding a worker who doesn't look forward to their lunch break! After breaking out of those morning blues, lunch can serve as a much-needed hiatus from the day that'll help carry us through to the end.

How to Celebrate National Make Lunch Count Day

1. Arrange a group lunch

We've all got to eat lunch — why not do it together? National Make Lunch Count Day is the perfect excuse to arrange that group lunch that your coworkers have been talking about for lunch.

2. Buy a lunch for someone who can't

While many of us can afford that noontime sandwich, there are a lot of us who can't. If you're in a position to help, consider buying a lunch for someone near you who might otherwise struggle to pay for it themselves.

3. Plan your next week's lunches

Lunch often becomes an afterthought once you're nose-deep in a pile of work. Consider planning ahead to make sure you'll always have something nutritious to take you from breakfast to dinner! To do this, we have created a healthy lunch recipe book packed with easy recipes for the busy lifestyle we all seem to live.

So, regardless of it being "Make Your Lunch Count Day or Week", the key is to make your health count everyday.   In addition to downloading your FREE recipe book, also sign up for our Newsletter and receive tips on how to acheive health in your relationships, emotionally, physically,  spiritually, and  even professionally. 

We are excited to be a part of your life transformation.  As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated. 

 

Fill in your name and email and receive your FREE Recipe Book immediately.

 
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Why YOUR BUSINESS SHOULD CREATE MIND MAPS and 5 EASY STEPS TO HOW

Working Your Brain the Way it Was Created to Work

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Methodical doodling, Mind Mapping, is today’s "science-based" creative business planning. This mind liberating process is a highly effective way of getting ideas in and out of your brain. Mind Mapping is a creative and logical way of taking notes of  thoughts that literally "maps out" your ideas, resulting in data your mind can understand.

Science shows that mind mapping improves your memory, writing, and organizes your thoughts, not to mention it makes for a much more creative and well thought out presentation.

All Mind Maps start with a core axel while the ideas radiate outward by using lines, symbols, words, color and images according to simple, brain-friendly concepts. Mind mapping converts a long list of information into a colorful, memorable and highly organized diagram that works in line with your brain's natural way of doing things.

 Mind Mapping experts from Mindmap explains it like this,

“One simple way to understand a Mind Map is by comparing it to a map of a city. The city center represents the main idea; the main roads leading from the center represent the key thoughts in your thinking process; the secondary roads or branches represent your secondary thoughts, and so on. Special images or shapes can represent landmarks of interest or particularly relevant ideas.”

What I love about Mind Mapping is I do not have to have any order to my thoughts, which works great for my randomness, as soon as an idea pops into my brain I put it in the map. No need to worry about thinking in any particular order. Simply, throw out any and all ideas, then worry about reorganizing them later.

 The General Flow of a Mind Map

  • The main idea, subject or focus is crystallized in a central image
  • The main themes radiate from the central image as 'branches'
  • The branches comprise a key image or keyword drawn or printed on its associated line
  • Topics of lesser importance are represented as 'twigs' of the relevant branch
  • The branches form a connected nodal structure

How to Create Your Mind Map

  • Think of your general main theme and write that down in the center of the page. (i.e. food)
  • Figure out sub-themes of your main concept and draw branches to them from the center, beginning to look like a spider web (i.e. meats, dairy, breads)
  • Make sure to use very short phrases or even single words
  • Add images to invoke thought or get the message across better
  • Try to think of at least two main points for each sub-theme you created and create branches out to those

Another amazing thing about Mind Mapping is you can Mind Map about anything, anywhere, anytime.  Try using this with your personal goals, your family goals,  this is also an excellent tool for kids.

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READY TO GET STARTED?  

Fill out this form to download your free Mind Map Template as either an editable PowerPoint  or as a PDF.

 

If you want to take it a step furfure  and use Mind Mapping Software,

I recommend MINDMAP @ www.MINDMAP.com

If you'd like to learn more about creating an effective, results oriented business plan contact one of our elite Master  Business Consultants Today and receive a FREE consultation.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why I Need Easter (and So Do You)

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I live in a world of pain. It is the world I chose to enter when I became a Clinical Counselor. Nobody can escape some amount pain and suffering in their work but in my case, I invite it into my office every day. Nobody sees a therapist because they are happy and content with their life.

But I also live in a world of transformation – a place of wonder and unlimited opportunity. For where there is pain there is an opportunity for comfort where there is despair there is room for hope and where there is death there is resurrection.

This is the message of Easter. It is the story that is written in our hearts if we chose to believe it. We simply need to open our eyes and see it everywhere, for God has revealed our true destiny in a new blossom of Spring, the birth of a child and the rising of the sun.

Even our modern agnostic culture has embraced Easter in its most popular media. Who can imagine a superhero movie ending tragically?

This is because the fundamental truth of human existence is hope for redemption. Tolkien wrote of the life of Jesus as the archetypical story of humanity. He called the resurrection a eucatastrophe

(eu = good, catastrophe = disaster)

The Birth of Christ is the eucatastrophe of Man’s history. The Resurrection is the eucatastrophe of the story of the Incarnation. This story begins and ends in joy. It has pre-eminently the ‘inner consistency of reality.’ There is no tale ever told that men would rather find was true, and none which so many skeptical men have accepted as true on its own merits. For the Art of it has the supremely convincing tone of Primary Art, that is, of Creation. To reject it leads either to sadness or to wrath.
— On Fairy Stories by J.R. Tolkien

Easter is not only a day we celebrate what was done for us – it is a day we celebrate our own resurrection if we are willing to believe it. But there can be no resurrection without death and there can be no great eucatastrophe without first passing through the valley of hopeless desperation. The sooner we accept this great theme the sooner we will be able to participate in the powerful truth of Easter.

So what hopeless situation do you struggle with? Is there an obstacle that seems insurmountable? If so you are perfectly set up for your own personal eucatastrophe. This is not some self-improvement psychological mumbo-jumbo nor is it a quick fix that will make everything around you bright and shiny.

Remember, eucatastrophes come in the last chapter.

This doesn’t mean that you need to wait until you’re physically dead to experience a resurrection but you will need to be willing to die to whatever has held you down and caused you to become hopeless. The sooner you get to that place where you run out of options and are frustrated with all that you’ve tried the sooner you will find your own personal resurrection.

This is the way of the resurrection – when all hope is lost something penetrates the darkness and brings about a metamorphosis that was not expected and could not have been anticipated. The disciples did not expect the resurrection … in fact they were disbelieving even when they heard eyewitness accounts. This was because they “knew” that Jesus was dead and that all hope was lost. Fearful, grieving and stuck in their limited understanding, they huddled in the upper room believing all was lost. It was not until they were shaken from their disbelief by Jesus’ appearance that their minds and hearts were open to a new and powerful reality.  

This is what it means to die. Whatever you “know” must die to make way for the new.

  • You may “know” that a relationship will never improve
  • You may “know” that your career will never be fulfilling
  • You may “know” that you will never be healthy
  • You may “know” that you will never be truly happy
  • You may “know” that you will never be loved

Your personal eucatastrophe will not come from what you know but from you have yet to know. If the resurrection is true then all the other promises of God are also true.

And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
— Romans 8:11 NIV

When we continue to live in our failure we are denying the resurrection of Jesus and choosing to live in doubt and fear. It’s as if Jesus steps into your room and shows you his nail pierced hands and you refuse to believe.

When faced with the reality of having true resurrection power available to us do we still choose to live in our fears?

But even when we “see” the truth we still need help – so God has made that available to us also. We simply need to honestly admit our own futility, confess our faithlessness and accept the free gift of resurrection power who is the Holy Spirit. This is the doorway to your personal eucatastrophe.

This is not a “one and done” choice, (oh, I wish it were!) but a continual choosing of the Spirit’s power to work in and through us, in ways, we cannot do ourselves.

I confess that I am so weak that I must do this daily. Every morning the clouds of doubt and fear creep over me like a morning mist and I must begin each day with reminding myself that God is in control, that he is good, that he loves me, and he is worthy of being trusted because he is faithful. This is not a small matter to me – it is as important as breathing for if I fail to do this my spirit will wither and die. If there is any good that comes from my life I attribute it to this daily cleansing of my mind and heart and the resurrection work of the Holy Spirit.

Are you ready for your eucatastrophe? Have you reached a point where you are desperate to see resurrection power in your life? Then you are in a blessed place and ripe for miracles.

If we at Total Wellness Resource Center can be of any assistance on your journey or serve you in any way please don’t hesitate to reach out to us through the confidential form below.

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If you are finding yourself in a place where you feel stuck and are seeking your own personal eucatastrophe then sign up for a free consultation ... we're here to help! 

Making Sense Out of Your Partners Nonsense

Learn to Decode Your Partner's "Reality"
 

Ever had this happen – Your partner gets upset about something that seems to you like a trifle. So you downplay it or ignore it and then all hell breaks loose. When you pick yourself up off the floor you are left scratching your head wondering, “What just happened here? All I did was …” Your partner wasn’t logical, reasonable or even slightly made a bit of sense so how do you respond? If you’re like most of us you do one of the following.

  • Close your eyes to the illogic and move on
  • Try to engage in a rational, reasonable manner
  • Put your foot down and assert your right to common sense

But none of these options really work, do they? Because –

  • If you close your eyes to it you end up bumping into it over and over again
  • If you try to engage, you end up going down the black hole and lose your way
  • When you put your foot down it just makes the gap between you larger by filling it with resentment.

So what are you to do when there seems like there are no viable options?

When you encounter the irrational remember this – It’s rational in that person’s world, you just need to better understand their world.

Yes, you heard me right. You are dealing with someone who has a different reality than yours so there will be times when their rationale will also be different. If you ever want to communicate – much less have an intimate relationship, you will need to be able to understand their reality.

But you say, “I didn’t sign up to be a part of someone else’s reality!” You did when you entered into the relationship, for every time we enter into a relationship we are choosing to interact with another person’s reality. Think of it like traveling abroad. When you step off the plane you are now entering into a country with a different set of laws and customs. Yes, there will be a lot of similarities to home but there will be a lot of things you don’t understand and may seem illogical.

Okay, now I’m going to throw you a curveball – sometimes your partner won’t even understand their own reality! Yes, that’s right, we all do things, feel things and say things and we are clueless why. That’s because we humans are great at ignoring our emotions and not tending to our hearts. We think we can just push through childhood trauma or ignore our emotional wounds. But they end up coming back to bite us through our feelings and thoughts that often sabotage our lives. We experience “irrational” fears when we attempt to move forward in our career or feelings of shame when we try to engage in close relationships.

“Okay, now I’m really confused. You’re telling me to try to understand the reality behind my partner’s irrational actions and now you’re telling me they may not even know why they are feeling the way they’re feeling? I give up!”

Real relationships are not for wimps! We all need to roll up our sleeves and try to understand our partner’s world as well as help them try to understand their own world. Believe me, there is logic in there somewhere. Here are a couple of examples of illogical logic.

  • A person who continually blows up every relationship that gets too deep even those they desperately desire to intimacy? Irrational right? Wrong! In their world, if you get too close you will find out who they truly are and reject them. They are protecting themselves from that pain.
  • A person who never accepts the promotion at work even though it would mean more money, more opportunity, and much more satisfying work. Irrational right? Wrong! In their world, they are certain that they are incompetent and the promotion would only reveal that fact.

How do you live with illogical logic?

You say to yourself, “This makes sense in their universe, I just need to understand it and maybe help them understand it”

You slow down the conversation and begin to ask clarification questions. For example:

  • “So what is your greatest fear about this?”
  • “Have you felt this way before about other situations?”
  • “What was it like in your family when this happened?”
  • “Help me understand what you need?”

Believe me, I am not saying this is easy. But if you are willing to choose to discover rather than judge there are great rewards for those who want to enter into this level of real relationships.

  

As always, if you are needing any help or I can be of any service just reach out via email at connect@totalwellnesscenter.net.

HOW TO PRIORITIZE TO MAXIMIZE

Prioritizing Your Tasks and Maximizing Your Results

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What do people say in this new millennium when you ask them how they’re doing?  In my experience, they say “I’m so busy”.  It’s as if they wear it like a badge of honor.  Everyone is running around like crazy, buried under an avalanche of social media and digital information!  I’d be truly impressed if they said: “You know, I’m so successful and happy, I’m trying to decide what charities to share my wealth with … after that, heck, maybe I’ll work out at the gym and then help coach a softball team”  Ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration for most of us, but I believe that Tim Ferriss was really on to something when he wrote the “Four Hour Work Week.”

Want to know how to prioritize task and achieve your goals faster  resulting in more personal time?

In Steven Covey’s bestselling book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”  he states the billion dollar industry he created was founded on solid success principles.  A few key success tips include:

     Take Action: Surround yourself with a powerful intelligent team that compliments you.

 My personal favorite is …

     Sharpen the Saw: Take time to prepare your tools and plan.  When you do that effectively, your work is 10x faster and more effective.

In Covey’s book, he outlines a two by two square matrix for prioritization of tasks.  On one axis, he has importance and on the other he puts urgency. The beauty of this model is you simply need to focus on actions that are important to become efficient and achieve success.  However, the fatal flaw of this model is when we have too many items that are “important”.  When we have a to-do list like that our brains fogs over and we begin checking our email, seeing what our friends are doing on Facebook, and doing what is brainless becomes our “priority

By mastering self-management and prioritization you will be amazed how much time you really have to accomplish your tasks.  We all have 24 hours in a day and 7 days a week.  So why do some people succeed while the majority do not? How can you add your name to the list of those who succeed?

Here’s what I suggest to my clients:

Add a third column to Covey’s model - “Significant”. This concept is simple yet powerful.   

What makes a task significant or not?  One way to measure the significance of a task is to measure the long-term effect.   Here are some examples:

  • Deleting an email vs. unsubscribing.  Unsubscribing takes longer but lasts forever.  
  • Answering a clients’ important question over the phone helps that one client.  Adding the answer to your website under Frequently Asked Questions helps unlimited clients forever.  
  • Providing a training session helps a limited class learn.  Creating an online training or digital information product helps unlimited people learn and can also create leveraged income for your business.

Think of Significance as “how many people it will help, and how long will it last”. I promise you, if you spend an hour a day on significant tasks, you will stop spinning in circles and start moving forward - closer to your goal of success.

Whether you are starting a new business or working on becoming more focused in your current job let me know if we can assist in any way.  Also,  if you struggle with breaking through self imposed limitations  we offer a proven process to help you conquer self doubt and fear of the unknown.    Email us today and learn how to live the life of your dreams.

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Want to Change the World? Change This First

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I remember singing the old spiritual “Dem Bones” as a kid and especially liked the part where all the bones are listed as “connected” to each other. It was fun naming all the connecting pieces, and if it had been a bit more anatomically correct, it could have helped me in my physiology class. 

The reason I mention it is sometimes we forget we are connected both externally and internally. For the past several decades our society has awakened to the fact that how we treat our environment will affect everyone else on the planet.  For example, drop a plastic bag in the ocean, and it could eventually turn up on a shore in the Philippines. 

The internal connection is just as valid - we can't neglect any area of our inner life without harming another. 

  • Our thoughts are connected to our relationships
  • Our relationships are connected to our health
  • Our health is connected to our careers
  • Our careers are connected to our finances
  • Our finances are connected to our thoughts

In short, our lives are made up of a lot of moving pieces – neglect one, and it will ultimately affect the others.  We can’t afford to focus on one dimension. 

 
Want to change the world? Change yourself first!


We at Total Wellness Resource Center are committed to precisely doing what our name implies – becoming your resource for total wellness. That means we are committed to giving you the best information so you can live your fullest life possible. Only then can you employ your gifts and talents toward helping others and begin making the beautiful connection between your internal and external world. 

The problem is it’s hard to change. We want a better life, but we don’t want to go through the process to get there. This dilemma has given rise to the instant gratification culture - 

  • Five weeks to a perfect body
  • Seven days to an all new you
  • Three steps to ultimate success 

We’re not going to promise instant transformation but incremental progress. You and I are on a journey, and by definition, we will encounter ups and downs, the ins and outs, successes and failures, heartaches and laughter. That is what it means to be human. What we must do each day is to rise with the sun and commit to making this day count toward living our fullest life possible. We can’t get there by one leap, and even if we could, we would miss all the wonder and wisdom that comes from the daily slog. 
Here are some examples for you my fellow traveler.

  • Ponder one noble thought today
  • Reach out to someone with a word of encouragement, praise or kindness
  • Do something healthy
  • Take a few minutes and be thankful
  • Open your mind to unexplored possibilities

We sincerely hope that you will allow us to travel with you. It is our greatest desire to be an instrument in God’s hands to help you experience all that you were created to be. 

Below is a way we can walk together on this wonderful adventure called life. Sign up for our weekly updates, so you don't miss out on any of our insights.  And if you have anything to share with us we'd love to hear it! 

Let's be a community committed to lifting each other up.

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Who’s Going to Plug the Relationship Leak?

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You are out on a lake in your rowboat on a beautiful day with four of your friends when you notice your feet are wet. You look down and realize that the water is up to your ankles as someone shouts, “there’s a hole in the boat.” You and your friends quickly convene a meeting to discuss the options.

One friend says let’s just ignore the hole because “we probably won’t sink”.e

Another friend begins to blame the others in the boat and says, “someone should have noticed the defect before you left the shore.”

One sits smugly with arms crossed and says, “this teaches you all to take boat maintenance more seriously.”

You notice another friend is totally disengaged from the conversation, staring off into the distance. When you ask them why they say, “they’re looking for another boat”

At this point, you’re feeling desperate because the water is creeping up past your shins. You shout, “someone plug that #$@! leak!”

So what does this have to do with relationships? Actually quite a bit. The international renown research psychologist Dr. John Gottman believes that one of the key indicators of a healthy, thriving marriage is the ability to recover when something happens to put a hole in your “relationship boat.” This hole could be as simple as a thoughtless remark – the fact is, you can’t be in a relationship long before someone puts a hole in your boat.

Gottman calls this effort to plug the leak a “repair attempt.” When repair attempts are made and accepted it is indicative of a healthy marriage. When repair attempts are not attempted or rejected it is a symptom of a troubled relationship.  

So why don’t we plug the leaks in our relationships? Just like the four friends in the leaky boat we have reasons to let our relationship slowly sink.

The Ignorer: This is the one who thinks if you ignore the hole it will go away. Yes, we really do this and guess what, my counseling room is full of couples who have chosen this option. The reality is if you ignore the small holes in your relationship you will find yourself swimming … alone.

The Blamer: This Tactic is to put the responsibility of healing the relationship “hole” on the other person. The problem with this tactic is you go down with the boat too. Not to smart, right?

The Punisher: This is the person who thinks that not addressing the leak in the relationship will somehow teach the other person a lesson. The major problem with this strategy is that it loses sight of the overarching goal – an intimate marriage. Intimacy in a relationship never comes from our dictating the terms of the relationship. It comes from being able to freely express our feelings and desires and allowing our partner to do the same. That means when we see the hole, address the hole!

The Escape Artist: This person’s strategy for dealing with the leaks is to look outside the relationship for a solution. They disengage from any meaningful problem solving and emotionally distance themselves. The Escape Artist is always looking for the next option when the present relationship requires them to do something uncomfortable or confrontational.    

So how do we repair a leaky relationship?

Here are some thoughts:

Take responsibility for your own feelings.

Don’t assume that your partner is aware of how you feel. It is quite possible they are totally oblivious to your hurt. This is because each person has their own perception of reality. A great amount of damage is done to a relationship when we mistakenly think that our reality is their reality. I can’t tell you how many times I have been confronted with this fact. I have been hurt by something someone said and harbor resentment only to discover that they are totally clueless as to why I am upset.

Commit to sharing how you feel in a respectful, non-critical way

Yes, you can tell your partner that you have noticed the hole in your boat in a way that doesn’t cause them to get defensive or dismissive. Here’s how:

  • When (name the actual event without embellishment or subjective criticism)
  • I felt (name the emotions you felt without giving up your own responsibility for feeling them)
  • I need (name what you are requesting from your partner that would help plug the hole)

Yes, I know this is not easy when you’ve been triggered emotionally. You may need to take a few minutes to calm yourself so that you can talk to your partner with a rational mind. Many of us have developed some pretty bad relational patterns that leave every repair attempt in tatters. In fact, some of us instead of plugging the hole take out a knife and put a dozen more holes in the boat. Not smart, I know but very human.

If you find yourself getting wet in your relationship take heart, you can learn these skills if you don’t lose hope, stay humble and keep the ultimate goal before you. To love and be loved in return.

If we can be of any help to you don’t hesitate to reach out to us. And if you’d like to receive our regular blogs and postings please sign up for our weekly updates below.